17.6.13

Father's Day: My Reflection

Yesterday was Father’s Day and it was unusual in the sense that I did not call my father. I feel no guilt about it. Judge me if you want to! It wasn’t because of any anger. I just didn’t call, didn’t feel the urge, forgot really - until it was too late for me to be talking to anyone on the phone.

Anyway, most of my recent folk don’t even know him. A lot of my past folk don’t know him. I don’t talk about my father a lot. Let me stop calling him that! I don’t talk about my daddy a lot, but it doesn’t mean a thing. See, I don’t talk because you may judge. No, I’m not proud, but I love him anyway. And I know he loves me too. The problem is that he doesn’t know what that really means and I completely understand … now. Now that I realize that I don’t know what that really looks like. And as awkward as it is, it works some days. Other days, it doesn’t. Those other days are hard days on my heart. Real hard, but I make it through.

Now, I could tell you a pity story so you could have pity on us. I don’t have one though unless I just force the drama and stretch what really happened. I just know that we’ve kind of always been this way. And no, I haven’t been out here like others searching for what I didn’t have. Matter of fact, I did just the opposite. I didn’t search cause I had and for those that questioned (or tried overstepping their boundary), I definitely let them know that *ahem* “I already have a daddy … several father figures actually!” I didn’t even know I didn’t have it until others brought it to my attention. By that point, it was my norm and I just didn’t question it. Now, I see that we both could have done better. Oh well.

Now, I will probably call my daddy at some point today because well it’s been awhile. I may or may not actually get in contact with him. That’s life. I may or may not tell him Happy Belated Father’s Day. That’s okay too - I’m not sure he even knows that it was yesterday. Should I do better? Yeah, probably. Will I do better? No, probably not. Do I feel guilt over this? Not today. Will I feel guilt some day? Yup, every other day.